u think and think and think.. things get worse.
u clear ur head.. and get a direction.. but it goes back to thinking again..
circular..

so, things haf to end after all. after an essential piece of info.
well i reaped wad i haf sown.. now it's juz too late.
life is a paradox. wadever i haf believed in has eventually come to nothing.
it'll be so hard to believe in anithing, or anione ever again.
diagnosed with dry eyes. and they sae onli old people have 'em..
perhaps i m getting old, or perhaps juz tt my eyes are drained.
i would be lying if i dun feel sad, but i guess it juz wouldnt be fair to you if i leave u guilty or depressed if i continue to be sad, wadz more im the one to blame for wad happened.
even an infinite number of apologies serves no purpose in love.
the onli sorry i can find is one for myself, for attempting to cherish wad has already been lost. instead of before.
love is comprised of so many elements, failure in any one of them is probably good enuff to sae tt u dun love tt someone enuff.
if u cant embrace the change in someone u so-called "love", or allow another person to opportunistically come in during rocky times in ur relationship, i've figured out that tt person may not love u as u tot she did.
yup in the past 2 mths of the "changed" me, i've been pushing too much, probably annoying and worsening things at the same time. different environments, different schs, different lifestyles etc etc, dun make anithing easier.
so i ask myself,
u want her to be happy? yes.
is she happy wif u? apparently no.
is she happy wif tt person? seemingly yes.
do u still love her? yes.
does she still love u? no.

then there was this chain of facts i cant help but think to myself,
u r so pessimistic, negative, and quiet. other people can make her laugh and knoe how to make her happy.
u cant drive and chauffeur her around, can onli take bus and walk around.
even when u walk, u haf this fracture u chao pai kah. other people run marathon one lei.
u so old liao still liddat, others in last year of uni, got car, matured, dark and good-looking.
heh, they're in the same sch, same committee, spends time tog during sch after sch before sch during weekends, she gives u 2 hrs a week, prioritizes so many other things before u, dun u think tt means sth?
she's so popular, u're juz plain tom. look at how busy and satisfying her life is, and look at ur own.
it juz goes on..

ultimately, the basis of all these brain-scrambling and mind-thrashing tots ravaging in my head.. is that love is mutual. it's never enuff when it's one-sided. when a party says im sorry tt i gave up on u, i gave up on us; im sorry i let him come between us. it's a rude awakening. all that u haf believed in, hoped, put faith in, juz mercilessly crashes down on u.
it's not tt im not trying, it's not tt im giving up easily.
if u love someone, but she's not happy wif u, or she doesnt love u animore, and has already given up all hope on urself, and there's another guy who's allowed to come in between, and persisting onli makes her feel weird when she's wif u, as well as making her sad, so wadz the point of hanging on?

frens haf told mi it has come to this stage to gif up, or tt she's finding an excuse to breakup becos of the guy, or even the guy as an excuse to breakup. they sae even reaching the point where she can consider another guy is enuff for me to let go.. wadever the case, i dun really care. wad i knoe is tt i love her, and the feeling's not mutual.

im such a failure.. juz cant do anithing well.. not even treasuring my most precious possession in my life.

haha all these are juz abt me me me. so selfish aint i?

on another note, perhaps this ending is appropriate. we're all grown-ups and it's not like we're looking for flings and stuff. if u see him as a potential partner for the rest of ur life, go for it. if u dun see me as one, shud haf juz let me knoe earlier. if u're happier without me, u can juz tell me. annoying and weird old me will juz try to disappear from ur life.

i want to thank you for the all the memories u haf left in my life.. whether the ups or the downs, i will cherish them.. it's probably too late to salvage this relationship, but it will be a hard-learnt lesson from it.. i will try to live my life better, do good and try to be happy. thanks for loving me before, helping me tide over so many difficult periods of my life. thanks for letting me realize wad love truly is. i really do want u to be happy. seeing myself affecting u adversely is probably one of the reasons i shud let u pursue ur happiness.. and i certainly hope he will treat u nicely and the way a person who loves u truly shud, unlike how i did.
to the guy if u somehow get to read this:
pls pls pls i beg u on all fours treat this girl well. she may haf imperfections but she's perfect in my eyes, and u shud see this way too, as a person who loves her(i hope so). make her smile, make her happy, and be the person she can cry in front of when she needs to. cherish her, if u haf already made this decision to be her partner, and never let her down. never make the mistakes i did, and u'll haf the most wonderful lovelife wif the most wonderful person on earth.

juz dun want this to end wif a sad note. and im actually not crying typing this. sincerely wish u 2 happiness. and stay happy =) shiqi, at least try to remember the happy times we had tog for the past 42 mths kae? and all the highs and lows we haf been thru together, unfortunately, the journey i tot would haf lasted a lifetime is brought to a stop at this hurdle. i dun want to make u feel weird, unhappy anymore. i dun want my mood or emotions to affect u. after all tt has been said and done, pls remain happy and smile more, u look so pretty when u do so :)